“I still remember the infinite number of times I’ve looked at myself and cried , the infinite number of times I was terrified of my face , the number of times I’ve compared myself to others , the number of times I was scared to be in front of a camera , until I drowned in self -pity “
Most poeple don’t get me , or think that I’m trying overreacting or trying to seek attention , but little do they know what it’s like .
Body Dysmorphic Disorder in simple terms , is a condition someone sees a highly disillusionised version of oneself , one that only they see , usually they see themselves as disfigured , sometimes they see they’re imperfections take over they’re best features . But in reality , these imperfections and “disfigurations” are unnoticable by others .
It’s not jus simply seeing yourself as ugly , most people do that once in a while . It’s seeing yourself as something you’re not , which is a whole different situation .
I am generally a self conscious person when it comes to my body , I prefer wearing looser clothes , less form fitting and when I do wear such clothes , words can’t describe how uncomfortable I feel .
Let’s go back to May 2016 , to be more specific May 10 , I was wearing an orange top to school , it was sleeveless with a few slits , something that I normally would avoid wearing , but for some deranged reason I decided to wear it . Most of the day was fun with all my friends wishing me on my birthday , but then I went home and went through the pictures , boy wasn’t that terrible .
I looked at my picture and I KNEW I looked like the most ugliest thing on earth . And that’s when it started . I would like at myself countless times in a mirror and just leave dissatisfied . I would dress myself in the most ill fittinf or loose clothes that would barely show any part of my body . I was scared to show even my arms , and I tried my best to cover that , and when I couldn’t , I spent the whole time thinking how I looked .
When people with BDD tell you they think they’re ugly , they aren’t saying that for attention , they’re saying that because they truly feel they aren’t beautiful , they can’t see themselves the way everyone else does .
Cut to September of 2016 , I finally decided to change myself to the way I wanted to look , I wanted to look pretty , I guess you could say .
I worked out almost everyday , almost dead by the end of it . What my idiotic slef didn’t realize was that you needed a proper diet more than anything .
I either ate nothing or ate everything I got my hands on .
I guess you could say I kinda got what I wanted . But that’s when tables turned and everyone else had a problem a way with how I looked .
You see I was 5’2 weighing 54 kg in the beginining of September , and by mid November , I was 5’2 weighing 47 kg .
I lost 7kg , you’d think that’d make me happy , and it a way it did , but my parents were less than impressed .
Apparently , I looked a few kilos away from looking close to unhealthily thin, most people didn’t notice , because well , I actually don’t know .
I had lost so much fat in my face that the only things left were dark circles and bones . Moreover I looked more disproportionate than ever .
So basically two months of recklessly working out had no results , who woulda thought ? 😂😂.
Cut to December 2016 , I finally decided to not give a damn about my body and just focused on other things like my upcoming trip to Spain , for example . Now , that doesn’t mean I was happy with how I looked , I just tried not to think about how I looked .
Aah , Spain , it was wonderful . The scenery , the people and the winter clothes .
I like winter clothes . One , it prevents you from dying of hypothermia and two , it didn’t show any of the curves of my body .
Now from January – May of 2017 , things remained the same , I didn’t like the way I looked but I decided I will try my best to ignore it . ( didnt work well though )
Now , as of July 2017 , the time I’m writing this post , I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at myself and feel pretty , but atleast I’m not doing dangerous diets and I am finally giving myself some exporsure and wearing clothes that I normally stay away from .
Also here’s a timeline of my wonderful face from August 2016 , till today , note , alot of these photos are cringey . I guess I’m showing my face as supoosed to my entire body becasue I mainly have a problem with my face and upper torso . This is descriptive , I’m sorry if you are reading this .
SEPTEMBER 2 , 2016
SEPTEMBER 4 , 2016
OCTOBER 21 , 2016
NOVEMBER 10, 2016
DECEMBER 29 , 2016
JANUARY 1 , 2017
JANUARY 21 , 2017
FEBRUARY 24 , 2017
APRIL 7 , 2017
APRIL 14 , 2017
JULY 16 , 2017
JULY 26 , 2017
And here’s my face when someone steals my fries .
I hope this post gave an insight to atleast one you on the struggles we gothrough , if you or anyone you know is going through this , please talk to someone you trust and know will understand , as a lot of the times , talking to someone can make things a whole lot better .
Confessions from people having BDD (BuzzFeed) – https://youtu.be/kd8-mMumHDY