Body Dysmorphia : The “Attention – Seeker” Syndrome

“I still remember the infinite number of times I’ve looked at myself and cried , the infinite number of times I was terrified of my face , the number of times I’ve compared myself to others , the number of times I was scared to be in front of a camera , until I drowned in self -pity “

Most poeple don’t get me , or think that I’m trying overreacting or trying to seek attention , but little do they know what it’s like .

Body Dysmorphic Disorder in simple terms , is a condition someone  sees a highly disillusionised version of oneself , one that only they see , usually they see themselves as disfigured , sometimes they see they’re imperfections take over they’re best features . But in reality , these imperfections and “disfigurations” are unnoticable by others .

It’s not jus simply seeing yourself as ugly , most people do that once in a while . It’s seeing yourself as something you’re not , which is a whole different situation .

I am generally a self conscious person when it comes to my body , I prefer wearing looser clothes , less form fitting and when I do wear such clothes , words can’t describe how uncomfortable I feel .

Let’s go back to  May 2016 , to be more specific May 10 , I was wearing an orange top to school , it was sleeveless with a few slits , something that I normally would avoid wearing , but for some deranged reason I decided to wear it . Most of the day was fun with all my friends wishing me on my birthday , but then I went home and went through the pictures , boy wasn’t that terrible .

I looked at my picture and I KNEW I looked like the most ugliest thing on earth . And that’s when it started . I would like at myself countless times in a mirror and just leave dissatisfied .  I would dress myself in the most ill fittinf or loose clothes that would barely show any part of my body . I was scared to show even my arms , and I tried my best to cover that , and when I couldn’t , I spent the whole time thinking how I looked .

When people with BDD tell you they think they’re ugly , they aren’t saying that for attention , they’re saying that because they truly feel they aren’t beautiful , they can’t see themselves the way everyone else does .

Cut to September of 2016 , I finally decided to change myself to the way I wanted to look , I wanted to look pretty , I guess you could say . 

I worked out almost everyday , almost dead by the end of it . What my idiotic slef didn’t realize was that you needed a proper diet more than anything . 

I either ate nothing or ate everything I got my hands on . 

I guess you could say I kinda got what I wanted . But that’s when tables turned and everyone else had a problem a way with how I looked . 

You see I was 5’2 weighing 54 kg in the beginining of September , and by mid November , I was 5’2 weighing 47 kg .

I lost 7kg , you’d think that’d make me happy , and it a way it did , but my parents were less than impressed .

Apparently , I looked a few kilos away from looking close to unhealthily thin, most people didn’t notice , because well , I actually don’t know .

I had lost so much fat in my face that the only things left were dark circles and bones . Moreover I looked more disproportionate than ever .

So basically two months of recklessly working out had no results , who woulda thought ? 😂😂.

Cut to December 2016 , I finally decided to not give a damn about my body and just focused on other things like my upcoming trip to Spain , for example . Now , that doesn’t mean I was happy with how I looked , I just tried not to think about how I looked . 

Aah , Spain , it was wonderful . The scenery , the people and the winter clothes .

I like winter clothes . One , it prevents you from dying of hypothermia and two , it didn’t show any of the curves of my body .

Now from January – May of 2017 , things remained the same , I didn’t like the way I looked but I decided I will try my best to ignore it . ( didnt work well though ) 

Now , as of July 2017 , the time I’m writing this post , I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at myself and feel pretty , but atleast I’m not doing dangerous diets and I am finally giving myself some exporsure and wearing clothes that I normally stay away from . 

Also here’s a timeline of my wonderful face from August 2016 , till today , note ,  alot of these photos are cringey . I guess I’m showing my face as supoosed to my entire body becasue I mainly have a problem with my face and upper torso . This is descriptive , I’m sorry if you are reading this .

P.S -‘Few of these have a filter on them , I couldn’t find their originals .

AUGUST 16 , 2016

SEPTEMBER 2 , 2016 

SEPTEMBER 4 , 2016 

OCTOBER 21 , 2016 

NOVEMBER 10, 2016

DECEMBER 29 , 2016 

JANUARY 1 , 2017 

JANUARY 21 , 2017 

FEBRUARY 24 , 2017 

APRIL 7 , 2017 

APRIL 14 , 2017 

JULY 16 , 2017 

JULY 26 , 2017 

And here’s my face when someone steals my fries .

I hope this post gave an insight to atleast one you on the struggles we go through , if you or anyone you know is going through this , please talk to someone you trust and know will understand , as a lot of the times , talking to someone can make things a whole lot better .


Confessions from people having BDD (BuzzFeed) – https://youtu.be/kd8-mMumHDY


11 thoughts on “Body Dysmorphia : The “Attention – Seeker” Syndrome

  1. I got curious to read this post when i saw “body dismorphic disorder” written. I’m a student of psychology and I know and understand what that is about.

    I’m glad you have put up this post. This will also make people aware about this. One beautiful, strong lady that you are. 🙂
    Thank you
    And always stay happy.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Gauri, you are beautiful inside and out. Write about the thoughts that bother you – that helps you distance yourself from them. I don’t have BDD but I would get all sorts of intrusive images and thoughts that I would always be afraid of. Also, rock-bottom self-esteem. I found either writing in my diary or posting on forums helps. You are progressing and getting better, and whenever you feel things will never change, talk about it. You are not alone. I read this in a book: Celebrate your steps no matter how little they are – any step in the right direction is success. Miss you ❤
    Here are some resources in case you need someone to talk to:
    – Body Dysmorphia Chatroom http://www.healthfulchat.org/body-dysmorphic-disorder-chat-room.html
    – Supportgroups, a forum for mental health disorders. https://www.supportgroups.com/ People are really helpful and kind here. There is a section for body dysmorphia and other subforums you can post in as well.
    – Mentalhealthforum at http://www.mentalhealthforum.net Also a good forum and has subforums
    – everyone. If you ever want to talk to someone you know personally, don’t be ashamed. They will be there to listen, and most probably won’t judge you or brush it off as something silly. If something’s bothering you, let me know. Or anyone you feel comfortable talking to. It really makes a difference.
    You are a strong girl. ❤

    Love you,

    P.S. motivational AF 😂😂❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry you have to go through this, I didn’t know anything about it and I’m glad I read this to get educated. For what it’s worth, I think you are absolutely beautiful!

    Liked by 1 person

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